ALREADY GONE…

Dreams are a funny thing. You spend your childhood waiting for a chance to make them a reality and then suddenly you are old enough to reach out and grab them. I have spent the last four or five years of my life feeling as though my arms are strapped down by invisible ties. Sure I have moments of clarity where it seems as though life makes sense, but for the most part life is a confusing jumble. That moment when you wake up and realize that nothing should be stopping you, hits you like a punch to the nose. When they tell you to “follow your dreams” they don’t tell you that you may have to give up everything to get them. They don’t tell you that you may have to leave everything and everyone you have ever known to achieve them. They don’t tell you that following your dreams will break your heart over and over again. Dreams are what makes life exciting and hopeful, but on the flip side they can be the greatest source of cruelty you’ll ever know.

From the time I was a small girl I have had the biggest dreams. Everything in me yearns for the life I can see in my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I see that scene in front of me. On one hand I hate that place in my mind where dreams run free because I am always left with a broken heart, but my dreams and hopes for the future are what I work for. What I yearn for from the deepest places in my soul. They make me reach forward and take another step, another breathe. They give me that one extra “shot” of inspiration in moments such as these. Moments when I feel my heart exploding with emotion. No, they don’t tell you that living your dreams may require you to watch everything that you love disappear in the rear view mirror. They don’t tell you that following your dreams means leaving every feeling of security and normalcy 1500 miles away. I have never been one to dwell on the opinions of the world, but I have these thoughts of doubt that torture me. Is this the right decision? Am I just being a foolish 23 year old girl who is about to be taught a hard lesson in the cruelties of life? But mostly I think, Will those that I leave behind understand? Will they come to know why I had to leave? Will they know that I was born with a maverick’s heart? A maverick desperate to live the life’s she’s envisioned from childhood? Will they understand or will they scoff at my dreams. Scoff at what matters to me most. Scoff at the most precious places in my heart. The honest places in my heart? Will they look back years from now and know that I did the right thing. That I did a courageous thing?

It’s funny how the people in your life surprise you. Lately I have been dwelling on the words to this Sugarland song titled Already Gone. The lyrics in the first verse or two are what I imagine my mom knows in her heart for me. My mom is a lot of things that I’m not and we have little in common. But one thing I know about my mother is that she has a dreamer’s heart and a fighter’s spirit. I like to think that I inherited that from her. There have been moments in my life when I know she gets it. Moments when I feel as if she is reading right from the truest places in my heart.

My Mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands you shake and which hands you hold
In m hand-me-down Mercury, ready to roll
She knew that I had to go
And hangout, make lots of noise
And layout late with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made ’cause she knew all along

I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on

They say the first time won’t ever last
But that didn’t stop me. the first time he laughed
All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met
“Girl, don’t you lost your heart yet”
But his dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on

The last time I say him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn”t change
Pictures, dished and socks
It’s our whole life down to one box There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

But I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Hangout, make lots of noise
And layout late with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made, life is a runaway train

My mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands to shake, which hands you hold
In my hand-me-down Mercury
Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on

And with that I say goodnight. Have a great one, y’all. Thank you again for your amazing comments!